A child may be too embarrassed to talk about being bullied and may feel that reporting it makes her/him look like a wimp or a snitch.
So we need to make kids understand that the truth is important and that we will help them. We don’t want kids to feel we’re not going to do anything about their pain.
Steps parents need to take if they suspect their child is being bullied include …
Parents and kids need to get the concept of snitching straightened out. Snitching is when you are involved in a crime and you tell on someone else that was part of that crime with you to save yourself.
If you’re a victim of a situation and you tell on the people who perpetrated the crime, that doesn’t make you a snitch. You don’t have anything to gain by not telling on the criminals because you weren’t involved with that crime was committed.
When kids get the misconception of snitching cleared up, kids will be more inclined to be open about bullies, abuse and other acts of violence.
1) Control your anger at the bully — kids can’t always tell that you’re not angry with them.
2) Teach your kids about how to stand up to bullies without being a bully.
3) Teach them to stand up for other kids who are being bullied too.
My son has a friend at school how is often acting as a bully, probably because he has always been bullied. He really likes my son and my son likes him, so my son is helping him to learn how to play without being a bully. It is hard though.
Talk To Them. Explain To Their Child That Reporting a Bully Is Not Snitching. Reporting Is a Form of Revenge. That Person Who Bullied Them Will Now Get In Trouble.
My two eldest sons have recently been bullied around our Estate by a group of boys who areof a range of ages. They are afraid to go out and play and because we are in the armed forces, we have no choice but to stay here. We cannot just move to somewhere else. they have been threatened by child with a knife; kicked, punched and hit with sticks; pelted with acorns and dragged from trees. I am trying my absolute best for them but am limited. Only problem is, they tell me when things happen all the time and I have to weed through the fear they have to find the actual reality of what has happened. This can sometimes leave me feeling it is a nothingness which I think is also dangerous. Kids are so cruel. It is so sad that they cannot even play out in our neighbourhood.
Can we pass on my first thought I should have previewed my grammer!
As for parents they have to learn as young parents too!
Before they think; this can’t happen to my child, my child is special.
Well lady. …yes even special pretty girls will fall victim to this.
We thought it was only the ” geeky kids ” but we recently saw a young beauty kill herself in the worst way possible.
A way that said I planned this and thought about this. You didn’t notice. There are thousands of us! I say us because I almost did too. But my father would have said the rope isn’t tight enough idiot!!
Here let me show you ~ now what happened!
Parents, you are freeing your child by showing them that you are a good person and not a bully yourself.
Children want heroes in their homes not cowards. Be a hero!
Talking to them directly, and encouraging a spoken response. So often adults hear kids, but don’t listen to what they say, or ask questions about what kids hear, feel, or see.
Speak with the child’s teacher(s) to help look for signs that child may be a victim of bullying at school. It takes a village to raise a child.
As my son once said to me about a teacher… he has no respect for us kids so why should I listen to him.
Respect and trust given to your child will come back 10 fold.
Wait till they are relaxed and chatty then work a few questions into the conversation. Level tone, not demanding or confrontational.
Don’t overreact if they tell you something. Keep calm or you’ll further frighten or cause embarassment for them. Be discreet. They don’t want everyone knowing or being the cause of trouble at school.
Travelling in the car has brought up some pretty interesting conversations at our house when the kids were young. More so without the electronics. What else is there to do when travelling but talk and watch out the window.
Another place is at a campfire. For some reason when I was a leader in Scouts, when a child had something to tell, that’s when it came out. You’re sitting watching the fire, quiet at the end of the day. The kid says what do you think about this or what would you do if this happened to you….the conversation begins and you go from there.
Let them know they are not alone and can always count on you to help.
A wise friend of mine once said that when her children came busting through the door after school, you heard a flurry of tales about what they did at school and silly things that happened. The days she worked, she came home 1/2 hour after they did and asked “What happened at school today?”…the answer..”nothing much”
I put that theory to the test and it was so true. I hadn’t really noticed it before. If you can afford to be home when they arrive, be there for them.
Hello Mr. Cosby,
One parent with one troubled child would be hard pressed to undo the nonsense that bullying has become. Schools need to have policies and procedures in place to address bullies. We need to also be aware that the bully sitting in the office, alot of times is just one of many perpetrators. The policies need to bring together the kids involved along with their parent/guardian, school personnel, law enforcement agencies, counselors (anyone else who would be helpful) in a round table to get to the bottom of the matter. Not unlike the medical community does in an effort to create a ‘care plan’ for patients. This is an opportunity to make the kids aware of the consequences of their behaviors if they choose to continue bullying. As well as make any adults in these childrens’ lives aware and empowered to intervene. Continued conseling may be necessary for the kids and/or the families. ($$$ -?) The kids need to be empowered to recognize and choose not to follow their peers especially in wrong doing. Kids are being seriously injured. Law enforcement and schools need to bend their rigid ways and change with the times. I believe, if they were more fluid in handling problems many more kids would seek assistance early on. To report these CRIMES one needs to be confident that the accusations would not be dismissed or belittled and handled with professionalism and confidentiality. Bullying is a nice way of saying our children are involved in gang activity. Not at the same level of the street gangs we associate ‘gangs’ with, but gangs nonetheless. (There are codes of behavior, a ‘pecking order’/hierarchy within the groups, peer pressures and a need/feeling rewarded to be accepted by the group.)
(P.S. – All of this is in hindsight. When my daughter was going through a similar situation, she was well aware that her mother ‘was crazy’, and would be at that school ASAP. (This was of no comfort to her.) Out of school suspension is only a temporary reprieve from the inevitable. There was nothing in place to protect her in my absence and that seemed to outweigh everything else, according to my daughters’ decisions at the time. She is 29 yrs. old now, and that is a haunting vision. To think, it wasn’t sooo bad back then.)
Thank you for your love and care.
I agree with you! I was raised NOT to be a snitch was bad and wrong…as it was put to me…I believed this most of my young life. Then as I began thinking of my childhood, I realized that I wanted life to be different for our own children. I am mother to 4, ages 20-28.
I spoke openly with them about many topics of life, bullying was one of those topics. I spoke with them often on having an OPEN DOOR policy with their father and myself…to NOT be afraid to talk with us about anything!
Our children were not bullies thankfully, they even stood up for kids that were. My son Michael had some trouble with a boy on the school bus and when he told me about this I contacted the school principal.
He told me he would speak with the other boys parents who in turn denied any wrong doing on their sons behalf. Long story short, this boy and his brother were moved to another bus route…all problems came to a halt on our bus. Years later the brother moved to other bus that WAS NOT bullying my son was involved with a plot to shoot up some school staff and students…they were found out in time, thankfully.
For the first time in my life (being divorced now) I am in a relationship with a man who has a criminal past…he tells me stories about being “inside” the prison walls and the one thing that always sticks fresh in my mind is this; “In the joint we go after the snitches, the rapists, the petifiles etc…if you snitch, we’ll GETCHA!”
So my comment to him on this was this; “So it is ok to do the crime but not TELL on the one doing the crime?” “The one who speaks up is WORSE THAN the one who commits the wrong doing?” He gave me a simple “Hell yeah!”
So I will close this by saying my guy and I spoke more in detail on this subject and I disclosed to him I completely DISAGREE with him and “them” on this subject.
My steps are…conversation to the fullest, reassurance to the fullest, allow your child(ren) to come to you about anything, Thank them for trusting you, explain this topic and all topics as best you can…always
First, make sure your child knows this happens to everyone at some point in their youth. Tell them if and how it happened to you. Do not disregard it as “kids will be kids” stuff. It’s different now. Next, go to teachers, as many as your child has, and voice your concerns. Go to the administrators and do the same. If your child is in elementary school pop by for lunch(the school should allow this)since that’s probably the time the bullying occurs (less supervision in the lunchroom and on playgrounds). Middle school gets trickier, you may be able to observe without being obvious. If your child rides a bus be at the bus stop when he/she gets off. The bus is another place where the supervision is lacking because the one adult on it is usually the driver. Enlist the assistance of your child’s friends to help document incidents if an adult of authority will not. Not all adults will help. Take your complaint as high as you have to to get results.
I agree completely, but I think it’s very personal and depends on the relationship between parent and child, and on the situation. Parents need to be very careful because this type of intervention can easily backfire and create an even bigger problem for the child. I think maybe the best thing a parent can do is from a very young age, start to talk with the child about how to handle him or herself so as to deter bullying, and about how to deal with a bullying situation if one arises.
Making sure a child understands bullying for what it is (and the insecurities of those who tend to become bullies) is a start, but only a start. Not all bullying is the same, and being sensitive to the nature of the individual situation is extremely important.
But an even more challenging problem is that many kids don’t trust that their parents are capable of either giving good advice or helping them deal with a problem effectively – and in many cases they are right! I have seen cases where a mother steps in to help her son with a sports-related bullying issue, only to end up making the situation a lot worse than it would have been if she had just stayed out of it altogether.
Bullying is probably one of the most difficult (and therefore most avoided) issues in raising children, but it is also one of the most critical in helping a child make the transition to adulthood in a healthy and confident manner.
I am a Guidance Counselor at a Middle School in Brooklyn, NY.. The best thing a parent can do is first listen to their child without making comments.. Ask the child about their feelings on the situation.. What do they think they could have done differently and what can they do in the future to prevent or solve this problem.. The best thing we can do is guide our children through this process, while showing them that we are going to support them in the end.. Children sometimes don’t tell because they are afraid of their parents response.. As parents we become over protective.. What we can do is teach our children that they can stand up for themselves without hurting themselves or others.. Sit down with your child to make a plan of action that doesn’t include violence.. Which should include telling the bully to stop, letting the bully know exactly what they are doing that is wrong and if it continues they are going to tell, enlist the support of peers who feel that they are being bullied.. Whenever, they are being bullied they all stand up and say “stop”.. When they all band together (if it continues) and tell a guidance counselor or teacher they bully would stop.. The parent should always notify the school and/or school counselor to make them aware of the situation and the plan you have developed with the child. In extreme cases when there is violence I suggest having a conference with the child’s parent(s).
Speaking as a child who was bullied in school, it can be traumatic at all times. The best thing for parents to do is to watch their children. If you pay attention to their social behaviors, it’s pretty easy to tell if he is being made fun of or picked on. In addition, don’t deny the obvious, in grade school children get picked on for being different, so if there is something about your child that is noticeably different, it’s a good sign they’re being bullied. You need to teach them that even though people make fun of them for being different, when they grow up, being an individual means everything.
Thanks Bill,
Allan.